- Peaches (3 lbs)
- Sugar (3/4 cup)
- Brolin (5’9)
- Pastry Flour (3 cups)
- Lemon Juice (2 tbsp)
- Goatee (1 1/2 inches)
- Sexual Deprivation (20 yrs)
- Light bondage (to taste)
- Tapioca (3 tbsp)
- Salt (3/4 tsp)*
- Weekend You’ll Never Forget, a Weekend When Innocence and Sin Shimmered and Blurred in the Sultry New Hampshire Summer (1)
1) Peel and slice peaches using a sharp paring knife or just your teeth. If using teeth, let juice dribble down your chin. Oopsies.
2) Look at Brolin. Then look at floor. Back to Brolin, now gazing deep into his hooded eyes. Yes. Yes, here is a man who has what we need, and he’s waited so so long to give it.
3) In a large bowl, combine peaches with sugar, lemon juice and tapioca.
IMPORTANT: The only way to mix these properly is with your hands intertwined with Josh Brolin’s, and your tweenage son’s intertwined with his. For best results, make sure the boy has just begun to forget his daddy’s face.
4) Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees and insert cassette of the 1986 film THRASHIN’ into VCR.
5) Make a bunch of dough. This part gets pretty complicated, so just do whatever the escaped convict in your kitchen says. Shhhhhh. He knows.
6) Knead dough into a pie-type shape. Smear bottom crust with a layer of tapioca to absorb excess juice**. Pour in peach mixture slowly, slowly.
7) Sticky, hm?
8) Flip the top crust over the filling and pinch crusts together, sealing away the peaches just like you’ve buried your own desires. Desires now baking, bubbling — caramelizing in a love so unexpected yet so perfect, the kind of perfect where Brolin shaves his goatee later on and you think, “you know, I actually could have lived with the beard if he really wanted to keep it.” But no, he shaved it for you and for forever, and also because of the police I think.
9) Let pie bake for 40-45 minutes, until it’s golden brown and your son has found a new hero: pie.
10) Serve warm, firm and gentle.
*Recommended: Tear-salt shed for a lost lover.
**Does not apply to all juices